Period Read online

  — You never know. It’s possible. Been there, done that.

  — Ouch. Fuck.

  — Careful. Okay, this is fine right here. On the count of three, let’s throw him in. Swing him.

  — Wait, you guys have made people immortal too? I mean, for real?

  — Yeah, sure.

  — One … Wait, wait. My hand’s slipping. There.

  — That’s amazing. That’s like a dream. Shit.

  — Okay, one …

  — Could you tell if I’m immortal or not? I don’t mean by killing me or anything. I mean just from looking.

  — Yeah, you’re definitely immortal. Two …

  — Seriously?

  — We’ll prove it to you. Hold on a second. Three.

  1:18: Found it.

  1:18: It’s a mirror maybe.

  1:18: Like at that carnival.

  1:18: Whatchacallit.

  1:19: That’s me I’m seeing.

  1:19: Pretty sure.

  1:19: I don’t move when I do.

  1:20: I’m in a wheelchair.

  1:20: Scared.

  1:21: Calming down.

  1:21: See myself in some nice bedroom.

  1:23: Watching.

  1:24: I look sad.

  1:26: Going to try something out.

  1:26: Concentrating.

  1:27: Hello?

  1:27: I looked around like I heard something.

  1:27: Over here.

  1:28: My lips said, What the fuck is going on?

  1:28: Excited.

  1:28: I’m moving the chair closer.

  1:29: I look scared.

  1:29: My lips said, I’m going crazy.

  — Calm down. You’re such an odd guy. Don’t go conventional now.

  — Fucking don’t.

  — Come on.

  — But this is too intense. I didn’t think—

  — Look, you’re seeing this as sex. That’s the problem. Think of this as a series of sensations whose collective effect is transcendence, a transcendence through our evolved understanding of the physical. If you can do that, you won’t mind this.

  — Yeah?

  — You’re immortal. So nothing’s going to happen, is it? You’re going to learn so much about death, and then you’ll come back to life. You said you’re a fan of our music. So you must know what I mean.

  — Okay. No, I mean I’m honored. I really am.

  — Self-understanding. That’s what this is about. It’s not sex. Don’t demean yourself, because we don’t. We’re like monks. We’re like aliens, right? This is an abduction. You can’t understand what we’re going to do. It’s beyond you, okay? Just assume that you’ll obtain something few humans can. You won’t understand it right away. It’ll take you years to understand.

  — Alright.

  — You okay?

  — I’m okay, yeah.

  — You seem okay.

  — I’m okay.

  — Duke, go ahead. Cut off one of his … Yeah, the right … That’s it.

  — You look unusually excited, Henry. Am I wrong?

  — I know, I know. It’s amazing. Lose the other one.

  — Maybe it’s because we spent some time with him.

  — No, it’s something else. Hey, you. Shit, what’s his name again?

  — Nate, I think.

  — Nate. Have you ever been to Las Vegas?

  — What? Ow.

  — Just answer the question.

  — No. I never … Ow. Stop, shit.

  — Shh.

  — Fuck, it hurts really bad.

  — Relax, Nate. Let us take you into the depths of yourself. Fuck your conscious mind. Let that crap go.

  — But … I wish you wouldn’t talk.

  — Well, me too.

  — Let me handle this, Henry. Look, don’t worry, Nate. Talk-ing’s just the map. We’re giving ourselves a map. That’s all. Feel what’s inside what we’re saying. Feel what you do to our voices, the music you’re orchestrating in us. That’s all it is. Don’t listen to the words. The words are just the ink that the map’s printed with. Oh, shit.

  — What?

  — He’s out.

  — Hell.

  — You’d better finish it.

  — Right. Wake up, kid. Look. No, look down here. Open your eyes. Watch the knife. There. That’s all you were. All that slop. You see that?

  — He sees it.

  — You understand? Wake up. Listen, do you understand?

  — He understands. You’re going to lose him. Finish it.

  — Ready?

  — One second. Ready.

  — So, do you want to know why I’m bored? I mean, the specific reason?

  — There’s a specific reason? Damn, he’s heavy.

  — It’s not the weight, it’s the flimsiness. But there’s a swamp down here somewhere. I can smell it. Careful.

  — Okay, why? Ouch. Why are you bored?

  — It began with a videotape. Some fan slipped it to me. At Coven 13, after our gig there last month. A compilation type dealie of short homemade porns. One angle, crappy sound. All of them starring this couple.

  — Them fucking?

  — Not just fucking. They were in love. It’s the only time in my life that I can honestly say I saw real love in action. They had sex with an intensity you just never ever see. Look, over there. Through those trees. See that? That glimmer.

  — Yeah. What ages?

  — Eighteen and seventeen at first. That’s what I was told. By the end, the cuter one looked … oh, twenty? Thing is, the semicute one never seemed to get bored. Every time they fucked, he went crazy. I guess since the cute one kept growing and cutting and dyeing his hair, the other one could pretend he was fucking a new guy each time. I can’t explain the cute one’s reaction.

  — Which was?

  — Emotional. Out of his mind grateful. Anything goes. I love you, I love you, I love you.

  — I want to see that.

  — I’ve got it at home. Anyway, there was this gap between the final two porns. Years, maybe. The cute one looked burnt. And the sex was still wacko intense, but it had this consensual, one-sided S&M vibe. You could categorize it, which was sad. Anyway, the semicute one was in the middle of fucking the cute one when, totally out of the blue, he shot himself. The cute one, I mean. Just put a pistol in his mouth, and pulled the trigger.

  — Jesus.

  — Yeah, huge surprise. And the semicute one lay around on the cute dead one’s back for a second. Then he looked in the camera, and I swear the expression on his face was so heavy that his features couldn’t handle it.

  — You have to show me this.

  — They couldn’t translate the guy’s reaction at all. I don’t mean his specific features couldn’t. I mean human features in general. It was beyond them. It was something really new. Something that didn’t fall into the usual categories, and not a hybrid either.

  — Like some kind of biological UFO?

  — Well, yeah. Except UFO’s too pictorial. Anyway, I can’t get that face out of my mind. They’d been completely in love, I mean obviously so. And there was so much history between them. There had to be so much going on in that face.

  — I’m lost.

  — I want that look on my face. And this won’t do it. All this shit. Or it would have already. But there was a moment when we were doing Nate here that I thought, You know, if he were immortal … if he could live through this … if I failed, basically, I might feel like that semicute guy.

  — That’s interesting. Shit, he’s slipping. Can you take his arms for a second? Thanks.

  — Hurry. You got ’em?

  — Yeah. Sorry.

  — Just through these bushes here.

  — Okay. Well, good luck.

  — With what?

  — With finding some guy who’s immortal.

  — Oh, right. You ready?

  — Yeah. On three.

  — One, two …

  2:11: What are you
seeing?

  2:11: My lips said, Me.

  2:12: Thinking.

  2:12: My lips said, I’m hearing voices now. God.

  2:12: Thinking.

  2:13: My lips said, I have so many problems. I hate it.

  2:13: Where are you?

  2:13: My lips said, My room.

  2:15: I’m rolling around in that room looking scared.

  2:16: My lips said, I’m just going to believe this is real or I’ll go insane.

  2:16: Can you see me?

  2:16: My lips said, I see myself. Fuck.

  2:17: It’s dark here.

  2:18: My lips said, What are you?

  2:18: Same person as you.

  2:19: My lips said, My name’s George.

  2:19: Don’t understand now.

  2:19: I look scared.

  2:20: Scared.

  Cavemen

  See that mirror? George said. That’s the way into a different dimension. I know it sounds insane, but I go there sometimes. Mentally. That’s what’s going on. I wanted to tell you, because I know you think I’m just stoned.

  I can’t believe this, Walker said. Fine. Okay, then tell me about it. I’ll just sit here and listen.

  Well, I’m living in two worlds. I’m here like this, and I’m somewhere else, too. In there. A place really different from here. I’m pretty sure one of them only exists in my mind, but I can’t tell which one anymore. Because they’re both foreign now.

  Look, you really shouldn’t do drugs.

  No, it’s not like that. I knew you were going to say that. I can make it come and go. I could open the other dimension right now if I wanted. Or I could stay here with you. I’m kind of like a god.

  Go on, then. Here, I’ll hold your hand, if you’re worried. I want to see something.

  5:28: You’re there.

  — Yeah. Walker, can you hear that?

  — That being what?

  5:28: Don’t like it when you go away.

  — But you don’t understand what this is doing to me. I’m in the middle, and that’s very confusing. I’m not like you. I’m fucked up.

  — I understand.

  — No, Walker, I’m talking to myself.

  5:29: But you got your friend, and a nice place. It’s dark here. Can’t find my way out.

  — Can you hear that?

  5:29: He can’t hear me. See that by his face.

  — Hear what exactly?

  — My reflection in that mirror. It’s talking to me. This is what I was telling you about.

  5:30: Been thinking something. You want to know what?

  — I honestly don’t hear a thing, George. Just you.

  — I’ll be quiet, and you listen very closely. Okay, go ahead and say something.

  5:30: Got this idea.

  — That. That voice.

  — I’m sorry.

  5:31: Figured out a way to be together. You and me.

  — You did?

  — George, maybe you should—

  — Wait, shh. One second. What do you mean?

  5:31: It’s kind of crazy.

  — You’re scaring me, George. Look at me. Stop looking in the mirror for one second.

  5:31: Let’s both kill ourselves. At the same time.

  —How?

  5:32: With guns. Got mine, like I said. You told me your dad has one hidden somewhere.

  — George.

  — But you said you were already dead. Didn’t you say that?

  5:32: That’s my thought. If we kill ourselves, maybe you can come here.

  — Oh, God, I don’t know. I can’t think about this right now.

  5:33: Or the opposite.

  — Walker, help. Do something.

  — Tell me how.

  5:33: Wait.

  — Hold me.

  5:33: Wait.

  I understand, Walker said. So, let me guess. Let’s say you’re sitting around in here doing whatever it is you do these days, and … wham, it just happens? It could happen again any second, right?

  If I looked in the mirror, George said. I’m not sure, but I think it’s whenever I see my reflection in something. That’s why I can’t look in your eyes. That’s why I begged you not to bring Nate. Because he looks so much like me.

  Of course he does. That’s why I found him attractive. But he’s no you, George. That’s clear now. I tried to replace you with Nate. It’s true, I did, but I can’t. Or not completely. Listen.

  Yeah, and every time I come back to this world, it’s much scarier here. Don’t you feel different? Because you seem different lately.

  If anything, I’m less different, Walker said. It’s strange, in fact. Lately, I’ve been feeling more sure of myself. What I want, what I don’t want. Notably so. That’s what I’m saying.

  It’s not just you, George said. It’s Leon, too. He broke up with me for no reason at all. You never call me back. And you wrote this scary book about me. I can’t believe it. It’s like a horror movie.

  You should never have read this. I didn’t realize you would take it so literally. You do realize that’s what you’re doing. You know this whole mirror thing’s straight from my novel. I’m sorry you read it. I am.

  But you never want to hang out with me. Or make those little movies anymore. Or even talk to me. Not like you did. Don’t you think that’s weird?

  Well, you’re hard to be around. It’s understandable, of course. You’ve changed, and you had to, but … Look, I feel as guilty as hell. But that’s what I’m saying. I think we can reverse all this. Listen.

  Here’s what I think, George said. As long as I’m alive, you’ll get weirder. Everyone will. It’s me, I’m doing it. Not this me, the other me. The one who transmits his thoughts to me. I mean my thoughts to me. I mean the me in there. Shit.

  Let me help you, Walker said. I have an idea.

  Whenever I talk to myself, it changes everything here. Things about my other life seem to come back with me. Here is getting scarier than there now. I’m more and more like him, or he’s more like me. That’s it, yeah. But he’s stronger.

  So there’s someone exactly like you. In that mirror. Am I right? Another you. You like you were before that awful thing happened. I’m right, aren’t I?

  Well, he says I’m him. That I’m a reflection of him. He says where he lives, strange things go on all the time. Magic things, evil things. I guess I’m starting to believe what he says. Because he’s so confident, and I’m always confused.

  Here’s my idea, Walker said. You remember how things were. You know, before. I rejected you, true. I wrote this book, I know. I tried to have my cake and eat it too, or whatever they say. But I can’t, obviously. Like I said.

  I think this whole thing is a fantasy, George said. I’m somewhere else looking at this in a mirror. This is where I wish I could live, but I’m not strong enough to survive here. I’d go crazy. I’d kill myself.

  Not necessarily. Listen. Not if we were together. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I think if we start it all over again, that’ll change things. Like this. What I’m doing right now. You used to love this.

  That’s what I mean. You’re all so different. It’s getting harder to believe in this world anymore. I want to be somewhere else. Like in there, where it’s simple. Where it’s dark.

  Then go ahead, George. Seriously. Ask your other self what he thinks you should do. How about that? I’ll bet you anything he agrees.

  5:51: Can’t tell. You there?

  — I just have to ask you a question. I’m really confused.

  5:51: Don’t go like that.

  — I know. I’ll try.

  5:51: Gotta tell you something.

  — Wait. First, is this okay? What he’s doing to me. He says it’s okay. But everyone who’s ever done this stopped loving me. I think they never did. I mean love me at all.

  — What does your friend in the mirror say?

  5:51: Thinking.

  — He’s thinking, Walker.

  —
God, I’ve missed you.

  — See? Listen to him. Do you see what I mean?

  5:52: Thinking.

  — If you’re me, like you say, can’t you decide what to do? Because I can’t. I’ll just let him do it. I will. That’s how I am.

  5:52: Never been loved like that. ’Cept once.

  — Wait, Walker. Wait. Hold off.

  5:52: Leon. That’s his name.

  — Leon’s my boyfriend’s name, too. Oh, God.

  — George.

  — Walker, please.

  5:53: He did this.

  — But … is it okay?

  5:53: That’s the one time.

  — I can’t … think.

  5:54: George?

  — Look at me, George.

  5:54: Don’t go.

  5:55: Okay.

  5:56: They’re kissing.

  5:59: Doing other things.

  6:01: Watching ’em.

  6:02: Excuse me.

  6:03: Too excited to write.

  6:03: Sorry.

  6:05: Remembering things.

  6:06: Got me hard.

  6:06: Thinking.

  6:06: George?

  — Huh? What?

  6:06: Think it’s okay.

  I’m scared, George said. I’m not supposed to feel this much for people. You know that. The doctor said I shouldn’t. Everyone says that. But now you’re incredibly important to me, and I don’t … I can’t …

  Listen, Walker said. Shh. Okay, that was really stupid. I’m sorry. I thought it would work, but it hasn’t. I’m sorry. Just forget that ever happened. Let go. Please, George. Seriously. It’s too much.

  Oh, God. This is what I mean. I don’t belong here. I don’t make sense anymore. I feel too much, and no one else feels anything. Like you. You used to say you loved me all the time. It used to be so different.

  Stop it, George. I wish I were a better person. I wish none of this would have happened. I do. But you’re just so fucked up. I understand, but you used to be so different. Let go.

  But I was always like this. I just didn’t say anything. I’m being honest now. Oh, God, don’t leave. Fuck. Don’t make me feel this then leave. Please, Walker. I’ll kill myself. You don’t know.

  Crippler

  The last time George phones, I’m updating his page on my website devoted to Walker Crane’s Period, oddly enough.

  “I know you’re busy,” he says.